kung ang ulan ay puro lemonada

Perya & Making Satan Blush

2006-07-27T00:23:00.000+08:00

Superficial July 25th was.
Stuffed into a coral red gown
She, Madam President, was
Shouting war from 4’10” up then down.

Superb was house speaker’s best comic
Stint of the year with a
Simple “Handa na po ang sambayanan,”
- Stopping our dearest – “na awitin,” – a few
Steps before the podium – “Ang Pambansang Awit.”

Shocked yet composed, she tried to be, our
Small speaker, with a ribbon
Stamped behind her dress
Scaled back up near the republic’s flag; the
Session hall was bloated with laughter –
Sardonic was mine.

Subsequently, house speaker JDV continued
Sarcastically: “The real moment has come.”
Sinister as she is, GMA rebutted with
“Salamat house speaker,” then
She fixed a calculated smile just below that
Stigma concentrated on her mole.

Oh! “I am not here to talk politics,” she said.
Of course not.
Of course, she didn’t have to be
Overly defensive that early.
Oppression? Imperialism? None of that was evident.
Obvious, it wasn’t, that she loathed “respect”
Of the “international community.”

Overshadowed were the realities
Of the nation’s destabilization;
Of a true imperial Philippines;
Of foreign impertinence on our sovereignty;
Of extrajudicial slaughter; Of selfish ambitions;
Of rights compromised;
Of every god-damned stero that smells
Of economic disparity, social inequity, and
Of political neurosis.

Opposed by delivering falsehoods
On suppressing lawless violence;
On “condemning political killings;”
On fostering harmony instead of anarchy;
On fighting corruption;
On the “good” of constitutional change
On which she has committed crime against;
On sweet, appealing ideals
Of a pro-poor, pro-growth, and
Of a pro-peace office.

Operated by a clever presentation
On an agribusiness quadrangle,
On an urban beltway,
On tourist spots battered with airports,
On a cyber corridor, and
On things coming together for Mindandao;
Outshone were the realities.

Nightingale singing of utopia, she was.
Naked, stripped of every single pinch and
Nanogram of truth, she was.

Nightmare she was; seduction decent in a
Nationalistic guise, every now and then,
Nurturing the hungry ears of
Naïve, functionally-literate Filipinos.

Now, she never could have “won” without
Narrating about poverty reduction;
Nagging about “the government working well;”
Narrating about “having a better way;” and
Nagging about “joining hands.”

Next, she’s “game to pick old fights.”
Now that’s pro-peace; she certainly could
Not have advanced herself in another way.
Noteworthy? Historical.

An hour and a second of
A, nonetheless, choreographed drama,
Announcing future competitive, unrealized programs,
Autonomy and rightful share for localities,

An hour and a second of
A sophisticated opera, pawned with
Actors of successful autobiographies, and scripted with
Acknowledgement to the Everest teams;
And to the national athletes;
Acknowledgement to an international beauty title holder,
And to minions with arms and medals.

Apathetic Madam was when she dragged
A lolo, and his apo from Kalinga to
Appear in her show of deception
Asserting her so-called pro-poor government.

Administration in question,
Arroyo aims a continuing grip on power
Alongside the imperialist U.S.,
And the feudalist elite families –
An anarchy of self-centered sperms swimming
Around peoples’ fears and helplessness,
And savoring their ponds of lies, as they
Applauded and stood in ovation for the
Arrival of their supposed victory in the
Armageddon.

doOdled thOughts

2006-07-11T22:45:00.000+08:00

It is so depressing

to be confronted by the fact

that superficial religiousity

is getting in the way of

a remarkable friendship.

you said it.

i'm an elitist.

and loving it ;-)

conformity is suicide.

whoever gets tired of eating anyways?!

you're a big oxymOron!

law will be perfectly useless

if everyone follows it. ;-)

pano i-mortal kombat ang boredom?

conventions,

convictions,

exceptions. ;-)

thought jerker

androgynous

conformity in thinking

is a human danger.

spirituality unites,

reigion divides.

"virgin" promotes a culture of

self-denial, self-loathing, and

down-right neurosis.

hobby: swallowing yawns in class.

the earth is flat.

issue: ba't ang lechon nakadapa - di nakatihaya?

hmmm... *pot think*

broken heart = drinking license

moistened lips

then

moistened eyes.

finding truth in this mediated reality.

words are a treasure and

shall be generously disposed of

only at intellectually-warranting

moments.

if you can't beat 'em...

you know what.

i do not get mad.

i get evil.

right roomies? >=)

SONA: lip service.

forgiveness is

the greatest revenge -

for martyrs.

patience will never get me any sleep.

neither will it hold thieves responsible

for stealing my sleep.

you did it - bursted my bubble - and now what?

it's written all over your face:

engineers are poor in the language.

higH sChOoL ScRiBbLeS (cold file 3)

2006-05-27T06:58:00.000+08:00

emBRACEs

050505

10:02 pm

I woke up earlier than expected. Blame it on my cell phone.

Read. Opening…
“SAGITTARIUS: Didn’t mama tell you not to talk to strangers when you were a kid? Hell yeah! She always did. But, you see, you’re all grown up now. Today is the best day to say ‘hi.’ After all, the universe has managed to direct its energies into your mouth. You couldn’t worry bout any possible hang-up.”

A little later, sunshine kissed my cheeks and pulled me off the bed. I turned the radio on and the volume up. I could hear myself screamin, rockin, and rollin in the showers. I knew somethin was waitin at stake that day. I knew no glasses were gonna be broken. No world war III in me. I brushed my set of pearls and dashed off my pad.

It was the last month of the school year. And graduation day was nearin. I could never forgive myself if I don’t take the chance of gettin along with you even for just a while. I don’t know where I went wrong when we first met. Poor me, I’ve been left admirin you from a distance the whole year round. Countless glances at you in the cafeteria, daydreamin of you durin Math and History hours, scribblin letters of your name in my notes, and sighin my ‘i-love-yous’ to the air. That same old routine everyday. I even envy the water fountain when you set your cherry lips unto its sparklin crystal drops. (I could hear Michelle Branch’s Everywhere playin now.) I always loved everythin bout you ever since we first met. I’ve always dreamed of touchin you to know if you really existed. I’ve always fancied to spy on you and find out if you had wings of an angel. You were just so precious, so adorable, so you. I’ve always felt blessed when you came into my life. But I couldn’t force my life into yours.

They say reality bites really hard but, guess what, it swallowed me whole. Life has played tricks on me. Life has played on a big-time loser. Just when I thought I found what I came to look for, I realized that there was never gonna be ‘us.’ I settled for the idea of making friends with you. I tried.

“Para! Paki-abot ho. Salamat. Manong pasahe, usa la tikang downtown.” After 30 long minutes, I finally rode off the jeepney to school. I went passed the fat school guards and met my friends in the corridors. We made our way to the admin building. A set of pretty long lines of students greeted my eyes. I joined the pila outside Mr. Property’s office. I forgot his name all ready. Besides, he talked nothin but praises to himself and sarcastic comments bout my dad, while laughin by himself. (Apathetic, but mostly)Pathetic. Of course, I was obliged to ‘feel good’ bout everythin happenin in that room for a few seconds; I was able to remember that scene a year ago when he was sufferin diarrhea. He went in and out of his comfort room the whole period of signing and consumed lots of Joy pop-ups. Haha, that memory helped me manage to survive those seconds at least.

Then, I observed that you were there just a few persons behind me. Taggin along with me just when I thought I was ready to let go. Now, that sounds great! >=/ Then you started to play with your tongue. Blabbin bout anythin at all with a few friends on the same line. Blah blah blah. Then you started workin your way to me, askin questions, sneekin to read my profile on the sheet of paper I carried for approval, and telling jokes. You even gave me a yellow candy. Oh okay, I asked a piece from you. I couldn’t tell who between the two of us had A-D-D that time. ADD equals attention deficit disorder, a.k.a. kulang sa pansin. You always make me confused of how we both feel for each other. We both were on our extreme senses that day. I don’t know. Maybe I’ve waited so long for that day for us to be together. Simpleng pananabik siguro. Or maybe I became insensitive that’s why you grew tired and quiet. But how could you?! You left me hangin from that day onwards. I don’t know exactly what happened back there. But I never regretted everythin that happened that day (even the fact that I almost lost my cell phone because of pure stupidity). My heart even grew fonder and that experience with you made me happier for a few sleepless nights of reminiscence even up to now.

Could be true. The whole universe could have directed more energies into me than what I needed that moment. Or maybe I was too immature for my age. But lovin you could never be doubtful. I’ve moved on but I know I still hold a part of me that loves you more than I could ever express. I can wait for you, but for sure I wouldn’t be in vain anymore.

I have a whole new world ahead of me. I’ll embrace it. you’re just a part of the past now. And if in the future we find each other. It’s beautiful. But for now, I’ll have to live with life’s presents and be one of these. I have to redirect my heart and mind to someone new. I’ll have to b-o-u-n-c-e and bring myself back to life.

I love a good game so I’ll look for someone to play with – or against. I hope I run into someone that I won’t be able to stop myself from thinkin bout - like you.

11:40 pm

HiGh SchOOL SCRibbleS (cold file 2)

2006-05-27T06:46:00.000+08:00

a nostalgic apparitiOn

Katatapos ko lang manood ng wrestling kasama ang tatay at isa kong kuya. Hinintay pa nila ang Old Creek Manor na palabas sa Star Movies. Ako naman eh nahiga na upang matulog. Ngunit di ako makatulog dahil hinihintay ko ang reply ng isang kaibigan. Nakakahiya naman kung tulugan ko yung ka-text ko, di ba? Pagkalipas ng ilang minuto ay di pa rin tumutunog ang cell phone ko. Natulog na din ang tatay at lumabas ng kuwarto si Kuya Tin. Nilabanan ko ang antok sa aking mga mata hanggang sa di na ako dinalaw pa nito.

Sa aking pagkakahiga, nagsimula akong mag-isip. Napagtanto kong marami na ngang mga tao ang nagpaparamdam sa akin sa larangan ng pag-ibig. Merong nag-aalok ng relasyon, nagpapaalam na manligaw, at may iba namang sex lang ang habol – pft!
Handa na nga ba akong pumasok sa isang relasyon? Ngunit gaya ng sinabi ko sa isa kong taga-hanga, eh, naisip kong maaari ngang hindi pa ako handa. O baka “sila” yung hindi handa sa makikilala nilang “ako.” Mataas ang tingin ko sa sarili. Maaaring dahil dito kaya’t di ako makahanap o makapili ng magiging ka-ibigan. Pwede rin na ang mithi kong maging isang fairy tale ang aking love story ang nagiging sagabal sa pakikipag-relasyon ko. Baka protective lang ako sa sarili ko. O di kaya’y paranoid-slash-hysterical. Pero, kung sa bagay, wala akong karapatan magmahal kung di ko kaya ang masaktan. Hindi ko alam. Ang tanging alam ko lamang, eh, karapat-dapat akong makaranas ng pagmamahal. Ewan. Engot. Epal.

Naririto pa rin ako, balot ng kumot at naghihintay na dalawing muli ng antok sa madilim na silid. Inilagay ko sa vibra mode ang cell ko at hindi binitawan upang malaman ko pa rin kung mag-reply pa yung ungas na yun.

Sa katahimikan ng gabi ay biglang humilik si tatay. Ngunit ang hilik niya ay may kasamang ibang tunog na galing sa barado niyang ilong. Biglang tumulo ang aking mga luha. Ngunit hindi ako humagulgol ng iyak. Kinausap ko ang sarili ko at ang aking May Likha.

Grabeng hirap at sakripisyo na ang ginawa ng aming mga magulang para maibigay sa amin ang magandang buhay naming magkakapatid ngayon. At gaya ng laging sinasabi nila, ayaw nilang maranasan namin ang sobrang hirap na dinaanan nila simula pagkabata. Mas mahirap pa sila sa daga noon kung tutuusin. Minsan eh hinihiwalay pa nila ang mga “pwede pa” sa mga patapon na na mga gulay sa palengke na dapat ay kaning-baboy na. Minsan naman eh isang klaseng ulam lamang ang menu nila sa isang buwan. At ang ulam daw nila sa pananghalian ay minsan ice drop o saging dahil iyon lamang ang kaya ng baon nila. Kailangan pa nilang mag-igib noon ng tubig mula sa tabing nayon tuwing hatinggabi upang may magamit sila sa bahay kung kaya’t medyo pandak silang magkakapatid hanggang ngayon. Dumating din sa kanila ang paghihiwalay ng kanilang mga magulang. Marami pa. Hindi magkakasya sa isang episode ng Magpakailanman o MMK ang istorya nila noon. Ngunit ang pinakamasakit daw ay ang di makita ng aking lolo ang mga pagpupunyagi nila ngayong nangag-asenso na silang lahat dahil sa ito’y pumanaw na.

Kaya ako napaiyak ng matagal dahil sa gusto kong mabigyan ng mas masaganang buhay ang aking mga kapatid lalo na ang aking mga magulang. Di ko man masuklian ng buo ang kanilang pagmamahal ay kahit kaunti man lang magawa ko. Gusto kong dumating yung panahon na hindi na nila kailangang kumayod-kalabaw para mabigay ang magandang buhay sa amin. Gusto kong sila naman ang magbuhay hari at reyna. Gustong-gusto kong mabigyan sila ng malusog na pangangatawan dahil para sa akin ay iyon ang pinakamagandang kayamanan na maaaring makamit sa mundo. Gusto kong makita ang walang humpay na mga ngiti sa kanilang mga labi. Mga ngiting totoo at wagas na siyang kaligayahan lamang ang makapagbibigay.

Pakiramdam ko ay wala akong magawa. Umiiyak ako dahil hindi ako sanay na walang ginagawa sa mga suliranin na kinakaharap ko. Dahil, sa sitwasyong ito, tanging panahon lamang ang makapagsasabi kung kaya ko itong masolusyunan.

Maaari ring “na-ho-homesick” lamang ako dahil malapit na akong mag-aral sa unibersidad na malayo sa pamilya ko.

Dito na rin nangibabaw ang mga kasagutan sa mga nagpapabigat sa aking isipan at damdamin ngayon. Pag-aaral. Unang-una, pag-aaral ang dahilan kung bakit mawawalay ako sa pamilya ng panandalian. Maaaring ma-homesick ako, ngunit ito ay isa lamang sa mga daan-daang pagsubok na kakaharapin ko sa pinili kong daan. Ang pag-aaral ang siyang armas ko upang magtagumpay at maibigay ang aking layon para sa pamilya. At di hamak na mas matimbang talaga ang pagmamahal ko sa aking pamilya kumpara sa pagmamahal ko sa ibang tao. Datapwa’t igugol ko ang aking isipan, damdamin, at panahon sa aking pag-aaral.

Nagpasalamat ako sa Kanya dahil sa pribadong pakikinig niya sa’kin ngayong gabi. Ito pala ang rason kung bakit hindi ako nakapasok sa simbahan noong isang araw. Dahil dito pala magiging mas mapayapa ang aming pag-usap. Dito sa mapayapang higaan. Dito sa madilim na silid na inilawan ng Lumikha.

22:59

HiGH schOOl ScRiBBlEs (cold file 1)

2006-05-26T19:14:00.000+08:00

Missing You Much, Hurting So Bad, Drowning Too Deep

We were once these strangers
Giving friendship a try
We were welcome in each other’s lives
Sharing laughter and smiles

We were once these travelers
In a journey yet untold
Seeking love and protection
And a helping hand to hold

We were once these children
Playing with each other’s heart
Finding security and warmth
In each other’s arms

We were once these close friends
Wishing happy moments never end
Because together we were strong
Not a single thing went wrong

Now I’m going to travel alone
Keeping our memories my home
No, we can’t stop this from going on
So I just have to wish you luck
In the path you have chosen
You have taken
And if by chance we meet again
It’s going to be wonderful, beautiful
We’re going to feel magic

But why do we ever have to say goodbye?
Oh, why do we have to shed our tears and cry?
Why do we have to find separate ways and fly?
Why does yesterday have to pass us by?

Why do we have to say hello
And mean goodbye?

What's cookin'?

2006-05-26T18:57:00.000+08:00

(some random thoughts while staying up ALL NIGHT for a two-item exam(!) haha kiddin')

What’s for breakfast, lunch or dinner? Hmmm… ordinary, everyday question. So I post: where do my breakfast, lunch and dinner go?

*POT THINK*

Come to think of it, I eat a whooOOOole lot. Yes, it’s an understatement! By the way, I eat a whole “subdivision” of foods, too. Dang! Such a record-holding appetite. How come I’m this lean or thin?

So I munched. And thought. And munched some more. I inoculated brainstorms in my amegdala and oblongatas. Haha. And I munched a whole lot more of course.

Then I hypothesized; perhaps, there’s this portal that is housed in my tummy. And, maybe, the lots and subdivisions of food that I swallow down my digestive are introduced to another dimension the moment they touch this so-called “portal.”

I theorized that it is a gate which leads to Africa to feed the sick. It also leads to outer space where my “trash” is “their” treasure. Hmmm… or to the esteros of the metro where hungry families are dumped on top of the other.

I therefore conclude that I shall not care about my weight, wallet or liver. It would be too selfish to act so.

I therefore resolve that I shall eat a whole lot, or subdivision or “village” more of food to help the hungry, the sick, and the needy.

Eating (compulsive overeating without binging at that!) will comfort my neighbors. Eating will ease my soul.

P.S. What’s for merienda? Do martians, Africans, and estero mutants eat isaw, dirty ice cream, halo-halo, junk food, fishballs, sio-mai, kikiam, blah?

How about… fetuses?! (^^,)v

oRaNjE

2006-05-26T18:51:00.000+08:00

I WAS HURRYING
UP THE STAIRCASE
LOSING EVERY OTHER
STEP OF MARBLE.
NOT WANTING TO BE
LATE FOR ART CLASS.

“PROCEED TO FILM CENTER.”
DARN! I HAD TO GO
BACK THREE LONG BLOCKS.
SO MUCH FOR MY
OLYMPIC STRIDES THAT HOUR.

YES, IT WAS IN THAT ART
EHXIBIT BY THOSE
SLIT-EYED SINGAPS
WHERE I FIRST CAUGHT
A GLIMPSE OF YOU.

NO, IT WASN’T LOVE
AT FIRST SIGHT.
EXHAUSTION GOT THE
BETTER OF ME.
I DIDN’T CARE.
YOU DIDN’T NOTICE.

TWO LONG DAYS
THREE SHORT NIGHTS BREEZED.
I WAS BACK
HURRYING UP
LOSING EVERY OTHER
STEP OF MARBLE WITH
COPPER OUTLINES.

“NO CLASSES TODAY.
PROCEED TO THE STREETS.
GET INVOVLED.
PN 1017 IBASURA,”
GREETED THE BOARD
GLUED ON TO THE
CLASSROOM DOOR.

I JOINED THE RALLY FOR
I WAS ON FIRE.
YOU JOINED THE RALLY.
I WAS ON FIRE.

PERHAPS, IT WAS LOVE
AT SECOND SIGHT.
PERHAPS, IT IS RIGHT THAT
LOVE IS SWEETER THE SECOND
YOU-KNOW-WHAT.

I SAT NEXT TO YOU.
I CARED.
YOU DIDN’T NOTICE.

“PN 1017 LABANAN
HUWAG PAHINTULUTAN!”
YOU YELLED BEHIND
ME ON THE CANVASS
OF A PAVEMENT
ACROSS THE HALL.

I TURNED BACK.
YOUR EYES SEARCHED MINE.
OH, THOSE EYES!
I’M ON FIRE.

MY PHONE
TICKED PAST SIX:
NO LAUNDRY, NO DINNER.
THERE WAS YOU AND YOUR
EYES THAT FOUND THEIR
WAY TO MINE LIKE
NORTH TO SOUTH OF
FRIDGE MAGNETS.

THE LIGHTS DENOUNCED THE
EVIL DWARF’S 1017 PLOY.
MY CANDLE BURNT EVEN
JUST FOR A SHADOW
OF YOU.
I WAS ON FIRE.

I SAW YOU ONLY
THRICE AFTER THOSE CANDLES,
PAVEMENT, REEBOK SHOES,
NECK-LENGTH HAIR, VIOLET
SHIRT, SLING BAG, ARMY
GREEN PANTS, CHINKY EYES.

OH, THOSE EYES!
THOSE EYES NEVER FAILED
TO SPEAK TO MINE
THREE TIMES AFTER
THAT DAWN OF FLAMES.

I’M ON FIRE.

bettEr not biTTEr

2006-05-26T18:25:00.001+08:00

I’m getting a little crazy. I think I’m going to blow my mind up any second from now. I want to shout! I want to scream right in front of your angelic face how much of a hypocrite you are. Oh, your angelic face! Oh, those rosy cheeks and that captivating smile! I wonder if you've got a tag that reads: Made in Heaven. Here I go again. Well, who could ever ignore your charms? I couldn’t! You're really very irresistible. Just the thought of you makes me shiver – makes my heart go va-va-voom! And if I had some drums, some horns, horses, some fire engines, sirens, and disco balls, I could be a holiday, a celebration, a disco dance fever, or even a whole Independence Day parade. See what I mean? That’s how it would happen every time I see you.

No one could ever tell just how much I want to show you the shape of my heart, how much I want to lie with you on the beach listening to waves splashing the sand, feeling the cool waters touching our toes, and gazing at stars shining upon the heavens. I need you so much to complete me. But I stutter each time I feel the urge to tell you honestly that if you were mine, your kingdom would be my love. Yes, you've always been the missing cherry atop my sundae cone. Yet now that I’ve found you, I couldn’t seem to reach for you. Everything I did to catch your attention (ranging from mushy letters, to those witch-and-warlock-acclaimed love spells, to tarot cards), even befriending you, proved no use. Oh, maybe my letter did reach your mail but not your heart, right? Yes, that letter all about how I fell head over heels for you. After all of these silly stuffs that I’ve done, you still remain a dream. How could you be so unfair? I’ve got all the love I can give waiting for you. All for you alone. But here you are just passing by me in the hallways — unnoticing me — and busy exchanging laughter with friends. You walk by without even a nod to say “hi,” a wink to mean “hello,” a simple “what did you have for lunch?” or “hey, you’ve a huge zit up your nose!” or something. Anything at all. But nothing — no nothing from your mesmerizing lips. I could fight for this love no longer. How I even hate it when people come kidding on how I feel for you. It’s awful when they do that! They could just be so irritating and so hoo-hoo I could just punch them right in the nose. Yes, obviously, every single thing you do screw things up inside my head!

Betcha by freakin’ golly wow! What did I see in you that made me this helpless hopeless romantic? I have no clear idea of what touched me. All I know is that I remain overwhelmed by this feeling you've showered upon me. Depressingly, I have never moved on from this state – never at any level closer to you. I’m still here, admiring you secretly behind closed doors. Some may term this obsession. But I know my limitations, my inhibitions. This so-called obsession will definitely turn out to be a gigantic display of affection only if you return this love. But, in a way, I desire for that moment to happen no more. I am satisfied with this condition: just playing images in my mind of all the what-ifs, should haves, could haves, and would haves. Would it be nice if you whisper “I love you?” How does it feel giving you a sweet “nytee-nyt” kiss? Would you return the warmest hug I can offer ‘neath the cold of the rain? Why do I get crazily jealous every time you're with someone else? Or with your friends who are far better off than I am for they get to cherish your company? How can I stop calling out your name in a quiet dream? Oh yes, you still remain a dream – that dream I couldn’t wake up from. Oh, why do I scribble your name in every empty corner of my notebook, on my chair, on the lockers, or, perhaps, as tattoo on my chest?

Red light. I guess I should stop living this madness once and for all. I can’t imagine that I’ve been a love fool for so long a time. I mean, every glance and every look I had for you revealed the way I feel – you're just such a beautiful sight! But you remain blind. I know I blinded myself, too, for I learned to accept all your imperfections and to treasure you for who you are. Oh how I wish you were here with me everyday! (Tsk tsk tsk. There goes the wishful thinker in me again).

I can feel loneliness sweeping right through my door now. I know I can’t ignore it. Maybe, from now on, loneliness is going to be my best bud. Slowly, I’m transforming into a wind – so free yet so alone. I never felt the true meaning of aloneness until this very moment that I realize you're never going to be mine. Right at this very moment when I throw every piece of your memory out of my senses so I’ll be able to breathe; when I tear down all your pictures I pinned ‘round this bedroom; when I let every piece of me burn for what I feel for you. For sure, beginning today, I’ll have to treat myself to an ice cream (gallons of it) to soothe my wounded heart every time it starts to ache as I remember our lost forever – my love story’s unhappy ending. Amf!

Now, you're out of my life. And as I train through the mist of loneliness, skies will turn back to gray, rain will fall endlessly, and dark clouds will tower upon me as well. Sighing and wet, I bet this storm is never going to stop. But I suppose that moving on is difficult but not impossible. I can do this (at least, I think I can). I can forget you nice and slow.

Love is not that virus which infects helpless humans like me, right? I have figured out that love is a game of chance and a matter of choice. I have all ready taken the chance before. And I’ll make a better choice now. Waiting in vain for your love is over. I choose to see sunshine in a brand new day when a new guy is going to jump out of my bed.

So there. I’ve let it all out now. Maybe I can set my pen behind that postcard I’ve always fancied to send you. Whew! Here it goes…

Dearest,

Needless to say, you all ready know every thing I feel for you. I told you “I LOVE YOU” in countless ways but not “EMBRACE THIS WEARY HEART” or “LOVE ME BACK.” I hold no regrets. So, now, I have to let go of these powerful emotions. I want to move on. I need to move on before it gets harder for me to breathe. I have to break away from your spell, and do myself a favor this time. So even though I find it hard, I have to say…

…Goodbye, God bless

Head Over Heels

2006-05-24T22:57:00.000+08:00

Dearest,

Do you know how much in love with you I am? I have fallen in love without even taking a step. It’s amazing how easily I fall for you who simply smile, talk, and glance at me. The only thing left undone is to make you fall for me, too. But you ignore the clues I leave behind for you to trail this mystery of love I have committed, and you close your eyes on things you don’t want to see. Yet, you can never close your heart on things you don’t want to feel. I don’t always get what I need, but I should always get what I deserve. I hope I deserve you. I’ll fight for you.

At first, I didn’t think much of the time I first met you. We’ve never been friends nor enemies. All we knew is that we’re only schoolmates. But one day, the world has stopped turning for a split second, and my eyes have beheld perfection. I wanted to ignore you but I couldn’t. Our shadows greeted each other as we went up the same floor. Oh, did I trip? Did I stumble, lose my balance, graze my knee…graze my heart? From then on, you have become my soul tattoo. It’s quite a weird feeling, and I try to shrug it off.

I know what I feel is love whenever I see you. I know when I’d long to see you. But do I really know love? To love is to be hurt for no one has ever picked a rose and appreciated its beauty without appreciating the thorns. To love is not about “its your fault” but “I am sorry;” not “where were you” but “I am here;” not “how could you” but “I understand;” not “I wish you were here” but “I am thankful you’re here.” Faith makes all things possible. Hope makes all things work. Love makes all things easy.

Forever feels like taking everyday at one time until I see you smile. When this happens, there dawns upon me a sentient change – for there is a song in my lips and lightness in my being.

I just wonder why I always feel something different every time I see you smile. It is pure pleasure to see you, to be with you, to hear your voice, and to merely watch you. I keep all my feelings for I don’t want to lose you.

But in the depth of my heart, there is a faint glimmer of hope – of wishful thinking that someday, somehow you would fall for me, too. When I think of you, do you ever think of me? Do I live in your precious thoughts? I know it is foolish to yearn for you to feel the same way that I do. It’s like wishing for the moon.

Slowly, as I see more of you, you grow in my heart and in my thoughts. Your figure appears unmoving during lonely midnight hours, when I can’t sleep, and I long to hear your voice and fancy your company. I feel loneliness creeping inside me because I know, no matter how great my love is for you, it won’t mean anything to you.

I may be all wrong for you. But I no longer care for my thoughts, unless they’re thoughts of you. Saying “I love you” doesn’t mean a thing at all. Love is something that proves itself a thousand times a day. And the simple things we say and do count a lot. I don’t love you for your beauty. It will fade as time passes. I love you with a warm heart. It will never grow cold.

I ask myself, time and again, if I really love you. Yes, I love you sufficiently in the ways I know how. But I know, no matter what I do, you won’t feel affection for me. I want to be with you, but I know it won’t be right.

When an idea isn’t right, my mind says “No!” When time isn’t right, my mind says “Let go!” For every heart that finds another, there’s a heart that cries. For every fond hello you say, there is a goodbye. Letting go of what I feel for you is the hardest part of my life. But if there’s a chance to bring you back, then I’ll swallow my pride and follow my heart. It’s the best feeling I can ever experience. Then, I’ll be mature enough to realize that I still have much to learn. I’ll be wise enough to know that you still bring out the best in me.

No one can ever love without getting hurt. No one can ever learn without conceiving mistakes. But if loving you is wrong, then I don’t want to be right. And if being right means I have to live without you, then I want to be wrong for the rest of my life.

Until now I still feel your hair brush my cheeks when it does not; when air is as still as breeze. I look away from you sometimes. And then I look back when I tie my shoes, when I peel an orange, when I ride a car. I may be as stiff as a statue when you’re around. But in the gravity of my soul, I really can’t control how I feel when my heart beats fast; when time flies like a whirlwind at every instance I want it not to; or when I pray that this feeling doesn’t last.

I may neither listen to lectures nor pass a test for you drive me crazy. My thoughts are all about you. I can last a day just thinking about you. I may sound unusual when we talk, when I’m struck with amnesia, when I forget my whole identity, when I stutter words that I myself can’t comprehend, when I bite my tongue and just want to faint. I may act differently when you’re around, when I crave for your attention, when I want you to stare at me, and when I want you to recognize me. When I lie in bed each night without you…

…I remain yours

biting off more than you can chew

2006-04-02T22:40:00.000+08:00

Isolated paralysis infects analyzed weakness
Of fearless despair for forsaken commitment.
Flaming shadows of yesterday confirmed
As pulse run stranded, as headache congregates.

Involuntary droplets of gloom severing,
Reflecting wounded chambers of choked ego,
Seek nourishment from cheeks reddened.
Stiff emotions flex in unwrapped delirium.

Wrinkled masks somehow unravel
Maneuvered seduction of ghostly intentions.
Forbidden cardiac tyranny unforgiven
As lurks its scarcity in clouded damnation.

Imbalanced breathing forces rapid breakdown.
Hurt beckons frozen barricades of vengeance.
Walls of self-denial, of avoidance rush
Stalking the remains of abused conscience.

Refusal to comprehend sudden agony
Feeds hungry outbursts of a cursed nightmare.
Yet wounded recesses still wait impatiently
One careless embrace of eternal reincarnation.