Head Over Heels

Dearest,

Do you know how much in love with you I am? I have fallen in love without even taking a step. It’s amazing how easily I fall for you who simply smile, talk, and glance at me. The only thing left undone is to make you fall for me, too. But you ignore the clues I leave behind for you to trail this mystery of love I have committed, and you close your eyes on things you don’t want to see. Yet, you can never close your heart on things you don’t want to feel. I don’t always get what I need, but I should always get what I deserve. I hope I deserve you. I’ll fight for you.

At first, I didn’t think much of the time I first met you. We’ve never been friends nor enemies. All we knew is that we’re only schoolmates. But one day, the world has stopped turning for a split second, and my eyes have beheld perfection. I wanted to ignore you but I couldn’t. Our shadows greeted each other as we went up the same floor. Oh, did I trip? Did I stumble, lose my balance, graze my knee…graze my heart? From then on, you have become my soul tattoo. It’s quite a weird feeling, and I try to shrug it off.

I know what I feel is love whenever I see you. I know when I’d long to see you. But do I really know love? To love is to be hurt for no one has ever picked a rose and appreciated its beauty without appreciating the thorns. To love is not about “its your fault” but “I am sorry;” not “where were you” but “I am here;” not “how could you” but “I understand;” not “I wish you were here” but “I am thankful you’re here.” Faith makes all things possible. Hope makes all things work. Love makes all things easy.

Forever feels like taking everyday at one time until I see you smile. When this happens, there dawns upon me a sentient change – for there is a song in my lips and lightness in my being.

I just wonder why I always feel something different every time I see you smile. It is pure pleasure to see you, to be with you, to hear your voice, and to merely watch you. I keep all my feelings for I don’t want to lose you.

But in the depth of my heart, there is a faint glimmer of hope – of wishful thinking that someday, somehow you would fall for me, too. When I think of you, do you ever think of me? Do I live in your precious thoughts? I know it is foolish to yearn for you to feel the same way that I do. It’s like wishing for the moon.

Slowly, as I see more of you, you grow in my heart and in my thoughts. Your figure appears unmoving during lonely midnight hours, when I can’t sleep, and I long to hear your voice and fancy your company. I feel loneliness creeping inside me because I know, no matter how great my love is for you, it won’t mean anything to you.

I may be all wrong for you. But I no longer care for my thoughts, unless they’re thoughts of you. Saying “I love you” doesn’t mean a thing at all. Love is something that proves itself a thousand times a day. And the simple things we say and do count a lot. I don’t love you for your beauty. It will fade as time passes. I love you with a warm heart. It will never grow cold.

I ask myself, time and again, if I really love you. Yes, I love you sufficiently in the ways I know how. But I know, no matter what I do, you won’t feel affection for me. I want to be with you, but I know it won’t be right.

When an idea isn’t right, my mind says “No!” When time isn’t right, my mind says “Let go!” For every heart that finds another, there’s a heart that cries. For every fond hello you say, there is a goodbye. Letting go of what I feel for you is the hardest part of my life. But if there’s a chance to bring you back, then I’ll swallow my pride and follow my heart. It’s the best feeling I can ever experience. Then, I’ll be mature enough to realize that I still have much to learn. I’ll be wise enough to know that you still bring out the best in me.

No one can ever love without getting hurt. No one can ever learn without conceiving mistakes. But if loving you is wrong, then I don’t want to be right. And if being right means I have to live without you, then I want to be wrong for the rest of my life.

Until now I still feel your hair brush my cheeks when it does not; when air is as still as breeze. I look away from you sometimes. And then I look back when I tie my shoes, when I peel an orange, when I ride a car. I may be as stiff as a statue when you’re around. But in the gravity of my soul, I really can’t control how I feel when my heart beats fast; when time flies like a whirlwind at every instance I want it not to; or when I pray that this feeling doesn’t last.

I may neither listen to lectures nor pass a test for you drive me crazy. My thoughts are all about you. I can last a day just thinking about you. I may sound unusual when we talk, when I’m struck with amnesia, when I forget my whole identity, when I stutter words that I myself can’t comprehend, when I bite my tongue and just want to faint. I may act differently when you’re around, when I crave for your attention, when I want you to stare at me, and when I want you to recognize me. When I lie in bed each night without you…

…I remain yours